I was.
And so were you.
I’ve never understood why many of my fellow believers apparently reflexively argue with those who say that they were born with an inclination that my friends view as immoral. Why couldn’t that be the case?
Now, I’ll grant that it’s difficult to imagine particularly sexual orientation being present from birth, since it seems to take some time for any child to develop any sexual orientation whatever. But I’m happy to concede to my (e.g.) gay friends that they have felt inclined toward same-sex attraction from their earliest memories.
Two reasons for that. In reverse order of importance.
Personal experience
No, I haven’t wrestled with same-sex attraction, and I’ve never felt like a woman trapped in a man’s body. But from my earliest days, I’ve known that there was something seriously wrong with me.
My older sisters could tell you that I was a difficult child. Loud, obnoxious, without self-discipline, generally a pain in various parts of the anatomy. I drove them to tears, more than once.
And here’s the thing. I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to be good. I wanted to add to the joy rather than the misery of whatever the event was. I wanted, as my mother would often admonish me, to “be a help, and not a hindrance.” Every year, right after getting a new crop of school supplies, I would tell myself that this year I was going to be good.
But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. Things would just pop out of my mouth, and I would see the hurt on the face of a loved one, or the frustration on the face of a teacher, and I would feel my own frustration with myself rise.
I couldn’t do the good that I could aspire to.
I was born that way.
Scripture
Not surprisingly, the Scripture endorses my experience. It tells me that I shouldn’t be surprised by what I find in my heart.
- It tells me that everyone is a sinner (Rom 3.23).
- It tells me that all of us start out as sinners, from the very beginning; it’s nature, not nurture (Ps 58.3). My children could lie (with their expressions) before they could speak, and so could I.
- It tells me that even Paul the Apostle felt the great internal double-mindedness that I do (Rom 7).
But the Scripture tells me something that my experience doesn’t.
It tells me that there’s a solution.
- The solution is not in good intentions. Peter denied Jesus even though he intended not to (Mat 26.33).
- It’s not in gritting my teeth and trying harder. Paul demonstrates that (Rom 7).
The solution is not in me at all. I’m bereft.
The solution is in Christ. My righteous Father, the Scripture tells me, has placed my voluminous sin on His righteous Son: All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned–every one–to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all (Isa 53.6).
How does that happen? By faith.
What does that mean?
I believe in Christ; I trust the effectiveness of his action on my behalf, and I trust that he will forgive me as he has promised. Since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ (Rom 5.1).
I was born that way. But I’m forgiven. None of that garbage counts against me. “My sin … is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more!”
And, remarkably, that’s not the end of the story.
The Scripture tells me 3 more really encouraging things, even as my struggle with my dark heart continues.
- God has not only forgiven my sin debt, but he has deposited in my account all the righteousness of Christ himself (2 Cor 5.21). He sees me as not just sinless, but the producer of all kinds of good. He sees me through Christ-colored glasses.
- God has placed in me his Holy Spirit, who enables me to do better; as a believer, I now have the ability, if I will but use it, to do those things that I aspire to (Rom 6). I don’t have to lose anymore. He who lives in me is stronger than my own evil impulses (1 Jn 4.4). I’m still struggling, as is everyone I know; but we have strength that we weren’t born with, and that’s very good news.
- The present struggle isn’t going to last forever; my current frustration is temporary. The day is coming when God, as he promises, will make me like his Son (1 Jn 3.2). There really is light—great light—at the end of this very dark tunnel.
Yes, I was born that way. And so were you. And there is not only some amorphous “hope,” but there is an answer. A solution.
By faith.
Photo by Bruno Aguirre on Unsplash
Mary, Mary, quite contrary says
It sounds more like ADHD to me than ‘sin,’ though I’m sure adults that found you annoying made you to feel that way. Certain cultures have a knack for making anyone who is wired a little differently or thinks independently feel as though they are in the wrong. You’re right about Jesus as a solution. It’s just too bad the way you were as a child wasn’t respected as having come from him and as having a greater purpose than that of mutual frustration. There are so many gifts (super powers) that come with neurocognitive difference! The unique intelligence, problem-solving skills & creativity are unmatched by ‘normal’ (unimaginative) people. It’s sad to me that you weren’t appreciated for what you had to give & teach the world…that you weren’t seen as the gift from God, albeit pain in the butt, that you are.
Dan Olinger says
I came along before they were diagnosing ADHD, so I don’t know if I was a case, though I wouldn’t be surprised if I were. But my behavioral problems were a lot broader and deeper than just being wired a little differently. Like everybody else, I was wrapped up in myself.
Vikki Kestell says
In addition to having a sin nature, every person is born physically flawed in some way. Think of it as “we all have birth defects, some debilitating, some less so.” I was born without an adult molar under one of my baby molars. My brother is missing the same exact tooth.
More than just mankind fell when sin came into the world. The world itself fell. That’s why nothing in nature is perfect, why we have storms, floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, etc. As for people? Our very DNA has been tainted by the cumulative weight of sin and the fallen state of this world.
I really cringe when I hear the media ask, “Why did God let this happen?” Well, they are asking that question because the church has not adequately articulated the fallen state of this world. We should do better.
Marie says
Thank you for sharing your kind and thoughtful words. They were a moving encouragement and reminder that there is hope for all of us. I have a son much like how you describe your younger self. Would love to hear if there was a certain turning point for you and what may have led up to it.
Dan Olinger says
The turning point for me was coming to BJU as a student. Certainly doesn’t work that way for everybody, but it did for me. The environment amounted to immersion in the means of grace, which God used to change my thinking and eventually behavior.
Jeffrey Hoffman says
Dear Dr. Olinger,
I’m a little stunned by your glib comparison of your childhood propensity for obnoxious public behavior to sexual orientation or gender identity that deviates from the cisgender/heterosexual norm, but since you have made the comparison, it’s worth noting that that kind of behavior another person rightly suggests above would likely warrant an ADHD diagnosis today, which is not a problem of sin at all, but rather a problem of psychology that can be easily remedied in the modern age, and if you believe this rather insulting (to actual LGBTQIA people) comparison to be appropriate, then it follows that so called “same sex attraction” (homosexual orientation is the more appropriate descriptor) and gender dysphoria (a very different phenomenon altogether) have nothing to do with sin, either. In fact, they don’t.
I’d welcome an opportunity to dialogue with you on this topic, but please be aware that this kind of trite messaging — which has no basis in a theology of the Incarnation, which is foundational to Christian belief — does real harm to real people in your sphere of influence.